Jan 17 2010

The Realization

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This was kind of a two-stage epiphany and to understand, first, you have to know that I’ve always been something of a practical dreamer. I have dreams but I find a way to turn those dreams into reality — to move forward on the things I want. The hard part for me is understanding the nature of the problem or the wall in my way. Doing what needs to be done has never been nearly as hard and yes, I do have the courage to take on the problem, break down the wall, look honestly at myself and my life.

Stage 1

A few months back, an artist friend of mine lost her struggle with cancer (breast cancer that had metastasized to her liver). Through her two year fight, I had come to admire her strength, her courage, and her determination. I still miss her and think about her, wish she were her to talk to, to share things with. But that’s not the point. The point is, I was thinking, one morning, about myself. Wondering what I would do if I learned that I only had six months to live because of some dreadful, progressive cancer and what I thought was this:

Well, at least it would be over.

I realized on that terrible morning that my hopes and dreams were all dead. Gone. I realized that I had reached a point where I was waiting to die. Not that you would see that in me. I went to work, I did errands, I played and talked with my children. But deep down inside, I was just going through the motions. Giving to others until there was (literally) nothing left for myself.  In that moment, something inside me broke and I realized that I could never be who I was again. I just couldn’t. Something had to change. But how to do that and still be responsible? Follow through on all of my commitments — which were many.

Stage 2

That’s where the second epiphany comes in.

I learned that someone very close to me had been lying to me for over two years. Two years and I had no idea. None  whatsoever.

So imagine how I felt when this person finally admitted the truth, primarily because there was no longer any way to hide the reality. Honestly, it brought me to a complete standstill. My trust in this person had been absolute — and its going to take me a long time to dig myself out of the mess that I’ve been left in by lies and betrayal of trust.

And on that second day, I came to the irreversible conclusion that not only did I have to change but so did my life.

Aftermath

Its been three months since the two-week period in which I had these epiphanies and in the aftermath, I  have been busy. I have looked at my life. Difficult to do and harder to explain. I am working to explore and connect to who I am — the real me, not what others want me to be, but the real me, warts and all — and somewhere along the way, I found the courage to dream and hope again.

I’m rescuing myself from a kind of death and it is that journey which this blog is all about.


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